A Change or Something Drastic

How long can this continue.
How many years can I keep up.
I am starting to feel desperate.
Desperate men do crazy shit.
Am I a man?
Technically yes.
Well if that isn't stolen from the Conchords.
They are funny.
Google them and buy their stuff.
I suck.
A cry in the night.
A cry for help.
A cry of anguish that goes unheard.
Stop being a wuss.
Mangina.
The tedium.
Day after day after day the same shit all of the time.
A slave to my poor decisions; will I ever change, will I ever learn?
No rest.
Alone in my angst.
Alone in my thoughts...
Which decisions were the poor ones. How far back can I go.
Can they be corrected?
Would it be painful?
Yes.
Will it be worth it?
Not sure.
Is this just one more in a string of bad decisions?
depends... What is the decision?
I don't know.
I procrastinate decisions.
I was a fucked up manager.
I planned some good parties though.
Pro's and Con's
Leaving that shit job... that I hated, was a good decision.
In most ways.
I am happier at work.
At least one work.
I wish I just had one work.
Some people don't even have that.
I should be thankful I am able to work 7days a week.
Really.
Really?
Why keep it up?
This might be the point.
The drastic change.
This is the scenario I envision.
Quit the 2nd job.
Bills go unpaid.
Apply for welfare.
Welfare denied.
Ask the Bishop for food.
Feed the kids for a week.
Sell stuff... Whatever.
Wife realizes she hates me.
Divorce.
Abe gets the shit end the divorce.
Debt awarded to Abe.
Child Support and Alimony for wife.
It's only fair she is the stay home parent.
Abe files bankruptcy
Suicide attempt
Therapy
Prozac
Studio Apartment.
60% income goes to ex wife and kids.
Abe takes 2nd job to keep up.
Works 7 days a week.
Has to sleep alone now.
Almost like the situation that started this train of thought.
Is it worth it?
Not as written.
There has to be another solution.
Consider this option.
Sell house.
Use equity to pay off some debts.
Quit second job.
Rent smaller place for two years.
Spend half of our monthly housing costs that we pay now.
Stack the saved income into paying off remaining debts.
Once debt free save money that used to go into debts for house down payment.
Buy new home in approximately 5 years.
Preferably in Hawaii.
Stay married.
Work one job.
Consider a hobby that could possibly provide additional income.
Only as long as it is fun and not work.
Sound better?
This decision should be a no brainer.
Would it be painful yes.
Would it be worth it.
To me yes.
To my family that loves their house and street more than their father and husband.
I think not.
I am having chest pain.
I am sure it is only heart burn.
But if I am dead in the morning.
My life insurance will handle all of the above problems.
I wouldn't have to go to my 2nd job. Yay.
Goodnight friends,
Abe